It's hard to write this, because I love you. But I'll go ahead, because I'm completely certain that even if you read it, you will have no idea that it's about you. That would require considering someone else's feelings, and that's just not how you roll.
"I bet you think this song is about you, don't you? Don't you?"---no, that would be ME, the one who cares about other people's feelings.
I have two children, one of whom has some special needs; a husband who works long and unpredictable hours, who also has some major medical issues; I'm training for a half-marathon, and I still manage to find time to look outside of myself and my situation. Why? One simple reason: basic human kindness.
I'll admit, I'm more willing to love on people who reciprocate at least a little. But I know all too well that you can't use that excuse. I know because I have tried and tried and TRIED to love you well. But my well is running dry, and I'm fighting bitterness.
The saddest part about the whole thing is that you are completely and entirely unaware that you are a huge selfish jerk. I want to say it's not your fault, it's got something to do with how you were raised, but at some point you've got to GROW UP and take responsibility for who you CHOOSE to be as an adult.
Jesus demands that I love you, that I'm kind to you, and that I keep trying because He does. But I'm not Jesus, and I promise to keep trying, but I don't like it and it's HAAAARD.
I'm not keeping score, but if I had to guess a ball park, I'd say I've done approximately a dozen nice things for approximately 8 people outside of my immediate family in the past MONTH. It makes me happy to make other people happy. I love to love on people just for the sake of doing it. I know, I am a servant by nature and you are not, but could you possibly muster a single solitary effort once...ever?
I have gotten more legitimate thanks and appreciation and reciprocity from people I hardly know, people who I served because they had lost a loved one, had a major medical issue, or just added a child to their lives. People who truly don't have time to reciprocate, people whose hearts are absolutely broken, people who are scared and hurting, people who have fluids leaking out of every orifice in their body and are rejoicing and soaking in every crooked sleepy smile from their FOURTH dependent.
Don't get me wrong. I don't do it for the appreciation. I don't do it for the thank yous, the facebook posts, or the favors in return. But a "hello" or a smile, perhaps a response to a question or invitation...THESE ARE BASIC HUMAN DECENCIES!
I admit, I've gone through seasons of being more served than serving. Buttercup was a DIFFICULT baby to adjust to, and it took me a while, a bit too long really, to pull myself out of that hole. I even missed the boat on loving some people who really needed it because I was too caught up in my own junk. But I've recognized, apologized, and tried to make it right. You aren't in a "season" because seasons change, and this story has remained the same for aaaages.
I will conclude by pulling a complete 180 and thanking YOU. Thank you for teaching me by example that it doesn't matter how smart you are, how beautiful, how "successful", how eloquent. None of that matters if you are a jerk. You've taught me so much, and it matters.
It matters because I am teaching my children. I am teaching them that NOTHING is more important than BEING the love of Christ. We aren't put here for any reason other than to glorify God. And there's a one word "to-do list" for that purpose: LOVE.
Fortunately, He gives me plenty of tools to keep on working that one word list even when the going gets tough. For now, I'll focus on grace. You're welcome.