To the "me" of 5 years ago

Newly engaged, I had never been happier. I couldn't imagine being happier. This picture speaks volumes. The way I held his arm and hand, the closeness. I was safe, well loved, and so deeply joyful. 

I look at this picture and I am absolutely blown away at the thoughts and emotions that flood my mind. Most prominently, "I HAD NO IDEA."

I had no idea how good it would be. 

I had no idea how well he would love me.

I had no idea how little the actual wedding would matter.

I had no way to know how many times he would hold me gently while I cried.

I had no way to know how strongly he would carry my burdens. 

I had no way to know that one awful day I'd look at him and whisper-scream "Get out!" And how blessed I would be that he didn't listen. 

I didn't know a thing about whole foods, GAPS diet, or Sensory Processing Disorder.

I didn't know a thing about hyperemesis gravidarum, or diastasis recti. 

I didn't know a thing about what tired really meant. 

I couldn't anticipate how much of my life would be out of my control-the day to day things like being on time and having a clean shirt.

I couldn't fathom how much I would love my babies the very first millisecond I laid eyes on them. 

I couldn't comprehend how complicated it would be to just get showered, let alone dressed and made up. 

I look at that girl, and mostly I feel GRACE. 

Sweetie, it's okay that you don't deserve such a good man. God is giving him to you as a gift, a blessing. You don't have to "earn" him, you just have to love him. And let him love you, just as messy and complicated as you are. His love will teach you so much about how to love yourself. He will get you there one tiny painful step at a time. 

Sweetie, it's okay that you will stare at his entire huge family you hardly knew and completely panic walking down the aisle. Nobody will know what is going through your head, and you will make it to the man. All they remember is the food, anyway. (Side note-anyone getting married in the fall should serve Thanksgiving dinner at the reception. Everyone still goes on and on about it.) The pictures will be great, the food will be great, I would even go as far as to say the vows will be great. But none of that matters as much as forgiving and trying again to love well tomorrow. 

Sweetie, you think you are in charge, and you are so wrong. But God knows you. He knows your strong will. He knows your tenacity. So He will teach you in the form of a teeny baby girl who will demonstrate to you daily that you are not in control, and that you will only survive by relying on God. She will reflect to you the clearest image of yourself, and you will stand there scratching your head. The question won't be, "How am I supposed to deal with this?" But rather, "How do people deal with ME? (Because she IS me.)

Sweetie, your body is lean. You count your calories the way you will someday count his breath every night for the first two months of his life. You consume things that you would never fathom feeding your children, because you love them too much to fill them with chemical crap. Someday you will shake your head in disbelief every single time you serve your children a snack in a tea cup, because that used to be how you measured your meals. 

Sweetie, that body is also very firm. You worry, as you lie on your side and he holds you, that he can feel your fat. That it will gross him out. That he will want someone else. You would be mortified to know the things he will witness happening to your body through the growth and birth of two children. You can't imagine that squish could be beautiful, but it is. A tummy that has stretched to accommodate a total of 17 pounds and 4 ounces of babies IS beautiful. Someday you will look back and momentarily miss that firm, flat tummy, and then in the next moment you will know with every fiber of your being that you wouldn't trade a single moment  with those sweet babies to have that body back. 

Sweetie, you will be broken. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. You will break. And somehow from the middle of your mess God will put you back together better than you've ever been. You will spend an entire year healing your destroyed stomach muscles. You will spend two learning how to truly love someone who you will never fully understand, someone who makes you completely insane. You will learn, painfully, that this is not your show. It's God's show, and he calls the shots. And you will learn to trust Him when you don't like it and don't understand, and that will be the closest to heaven on earth that you will ever come. 

Sweetie, enjoy the time and space now. Enjoy the sleep, the sleeping in. Enjoy the showers without a toddler repeatedly pulling the curtain out and pouring water all over the floor because you've been out of sight for 30 seconds and YOU ARE SORELY MISSED. Enjoy the time to style your hair, change your mind, start over, and still have time to make it out the door and to your destination without anyone else's bodily fluids on your clothes...or face. Enjoy the boobs that are the same size day and night, regardless of anyone else's appetite. Enjoy the idea that they aren't anyone else's personal belongings, they are just yours. Enjoy these things now, so that when they change you can enjoy the new. Someday very soon you will enjoy rocking a baby all night long regardless of how tired you are. You will also enjoy the friends who bring you Starbucks. Someday you will enjoy the tiny face that peeks into the shower and squeals in delight as the water splashes his face. Someday you will enjoy a ponytail again, and again, and again, because babies need burped and diapers need changed and nobody has time for hair in their way! Someday you will be relieved that at 3am, when you have no idea what is wrong, your boobs have magical milky powers over the fussiest of babies. Someday you will be truly amused as she asks for "the nother one" so many times that you begin to wonder just HOW MANY boobs she thinks you are hiding under your shirt. 

It's not going to be like you think it will be. It's going to be a lot messier and far more exhausting. It's going to require more apologies and forgiveness than you can actually muster at this point, but it's ok. You will learn. Your humility will grow and grow. Your firmness will turn to mush well beyond your belly, deeper than that into your very soul. And it will be good. Even when it's stretched out, running late, and covered in snot, it will be so very good. 

You are a JERK

Let me tell you something about you. You are not too busy. You are not too stressed. You are not even too lazy. You are just downright too damned mean. 

It's hard to write this, because I love you. But I'll go ahead, because I'm completely certain that even if you read it, you will have no idea that it's about you. That would require considering someone else's feelings, and that's just not how you roll. 

"I bet you think this song is about you, don't you? Don't you?"---no, that would be ME, the one who cares about other people's feelings. 

I have two children, one of whom has some special needs; a husband who works long and unpredictable hours, who also has some major medical issues; I'm training for a half-marathon, and I still manage to find time to look outside of myself and my situation. Why? One simple reason: basic human kindness. 

I'll admit, I'm more willing to love on people who reciprocate at least a little. But I know all too well that you can't use that excuse. I know because I have tried and tried and TRIED to love you well. But my well is running dry, and I'm fighting bitterness. 

The saddest part about the whole thing is that you are completely and entirely unaware that you are a huge selfish jerk. I want to say it's not your fault, it's got something to do with how you were raised, but at some point you've got to GROW UP and take responsibility for who you CHOOSE to be as an adult.

Jesus demands that I love you, that I'm kind to you, and that I keep trying because He does. But I'm not Jesus, and I promise to keep trying, but I don't like it and it's HAAAARD. 

I'm not keeping score, but if I had to guess a ball park, I'd say I've done approximately a dozen nice things for approximately 8 people outside of my immediate family in the past MONTH. It makes me happy to make other people happy. I love to love on people just for the sake of doing it. I know, I am a servant by nature and you are not, but could you possibly muster a single solitary effort once...ever? 

I have gotten more legitimate thanks and appreciation and reciprocity from people I hardly know, people who I served because they had lost a loved one, had a major medical issue, or just added a child to their lives. People who truly don't have time to reciprocate, people whose hearts are absolutely broken, people who are scared and hurting, people who have fluids leaking out of every orifice in their body and are rejoicing and soaking in every crooked sleepy smile from their FOURTH dependent.

Don't get me wrong. I don't do it for the appreciation. I don't do it for the thank yous, the facebook posts, or the favors in return. But a "hello" or a smile, perhaps a response to a question or invitation...THESE ARE BASIC HUMAN DECENCIES! 

I admit, I've gone through seasons of being more served than serving. Buttercup was a DIFFICULT baby to adjust to, and it took me a while, a bit too long really, to pull myself out of that hole. I even missed the boat on loving some people who really needed it because I was too caught up in my own junk. But I've recognized, apologized, and tried to make it right. You aren't in a "season" because seasons change, and this story has remained the same for aaaages. 

I will conclude by pulling a complete 180 and thanking YOU. Thank you for teaching me by example that it doesn't matter how smart you are, how beautiful, how "successful", how eloquent. None of that matters if you are a jerk. You've taught me so much, and it matters. 

It matters because I am teaching my children. I am teaching them that NOTHING is more important than BEING the love of Christ. We aren't put here for any reason other than to glorify God. And there's a one word "to-do list" for that purpose: LOVE.

Fortunately, He gives me plenty of tools to keep on working that one word list even when the going gets tough. For now, I'll focus on grace. You're welcome.