Wednesday, February 4, 2015

In my falling short

I haven't opened up too much here about Buttercup and our struggles in parenting her. The last thing I want is for her to one day read this and hate me for it. But I also know that if I don't get some of it down, I will lose it. And it matters. The mess matters. The hard matters. The sometimes humiliating admission of my weakness matters...because that's where I find His perfect strength.  

So, without further ado:

Our previous OT told me that Buttercup's case was one of the most difficult she had encountered. Today our current OT repeated the sentiment. 

We have an Autism screening next week, are expecting a second sleep study soon, more blood work, and have a recommendation for a neuropsych eval. It's amazing, because most people who meet her would never know she is any sort of different. 

Being her momma has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and we are only two years in. 

I don't tell you this for your pity-I don't need it. 

I don't tell you in hopes that you will understand-it's almost impossible. 

I tell you because I want you to know that I don't have it figured out. 

Most days the fact that I can stay upright until dark with less than 4 hours of non-consecutive sleep is enough to amaze me. I whisper to my husband in the middle of the night, "I don't want to parent her. I don't like parenting her." I cry, because that feels awful to admit. 

I cry because I have a history of emotional management struggles, and that gives me a tiny inkling of what she's dealing with, and it's no rosy road.

But I do. 

I do parent her. 

I do love her with all I have even, when I don't want to or don't feel like it. God gave her to me because He thought I was the best candidate to be her momma. And if I claim to trust Him, I have to trust Him in this, too. 

I'm also not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.  I know many families have much harder struggles than ours. But this gig is hard, and I think transparency somehow makes it easier. 

So, when you're struggling, know that it's ok. I'm struggling, too. When you want to quit, and feel awful for wanting to, know that it's ok. Sometimes I wish she'd scream for ANYONE other than me for the 40th time that night. Daddy? Minnie Mouse? Elmo? Bueller? No. Only "Neeeed miiiine mooooom!" 

When you feel like you are failing, like you couldn't possibly be doing this thing right, know that God chose you. He matched you and your baby perfectly by His design. Seek Him, and press on through the tears. His strength is made perfect in your weakness. 

To quote my favorite doula, "In your falling short, they (your kids) are led to His never failing." AMEN to that. Amen. 

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