Every Breath and Every Step

I remember it so clearly. We were dating, not yet engaged, but definitely in love.

 We had set up a 45 minute "no panic policy," because being in law enforcement means he often thinks he will be able to make the 9pm check in call all the way up until he gets a crazy dispatch at 8:59. I've always been a worrier, I've always been working on it... But knowing that I needed to table the worry for 45 minutes was good for me, because even a minor damage accident can take that long if people are being a pain.  

So, we hit the 45 minute mark and I tried not to flip out. By 50 minutes I had texted him, "You ok?" I got no response. At the 57 minute mark Snuggs called and blurted out the following; "I'm okay. I'm pursuing some idiot with a shotgun, but I'll call you when I'm done." And he was gone. And I was left sitting on the other end of the line wishing he hadn't called at all. 

A couple of months into dating a cop you only know enough to be dangerous to yourself. My mind raced. "He's out there in the big bad world literally chasing some maniac wielding a shotgun in the friggin dark. He says he's FINE? WHAT THE HECK! I'm just supposed to sit here in my jammies, two hours away, and feel okay about this? Please, God, keep him safe." 

I loved him, but I didn't trust his training, I didn't trust his coworkers, and I was doing my very best at trying to trust God without a full understanding of what that even meant.  Not to mention, right on the edge of engagement, I knew there was no way in the world I could go on without him. I did a lot of holding my breath, literally. 

Flash forward a few years. In 9 days we will celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary. We have two kids. I love him so much more than I did then, more than I even knew I could. I've learned to trust his training. I've learned to trust his coworkers, and I've learned a lot more about trusting God. 

Now I know I could go on without him. Not that it wouldn't hurt like hell, or that the thought of it doesn't make me tear up and feel like vomiting, but I know I could go on. He has helped me create two children who would simply require that of me. I wonder sometimes if that was part of his child making plan. 

I'm a strong woman in that I am capable of many things, but in loving him, and in his loving me, I've softened and weakened. I need him in a way I never thought I would. I love that. That's exactly how God intended it to be. But that also terrifies me for what my life would look like if he wasn't here with me anymore.  I try not to think about that. It doesn't do anyone an ounce of good. 

I no longer secretly wish he'd turn and run. That doesn't do any good either. It's not a job for him, it's a calling. It's part of who he is in the depths of his being. He wants, with all of his heart, to make this world a better place. When everyone else runs from the risk, LEOs run towards it. So my hope is that he will be strong and push on and catch the dirty crapper. 

Nevertheless, about once a month I get a phone call or text message that still knocks the wind right out of me.  Immediately, I pray. I pray the same prayer that I've prayed every time for the last three or so years. "Lord, be with him every breath and every step." Then, I open my eyes and go on with my life. I go on sweeping crumbs and wiping booties, I go on reading stories with my lap full of littles, I go on breathing, I go on. 

Part of it is that I've learned to trust him, to trust his training, his judgement, his will to make it home. Part of it is that I've learned to trust his backup. I know the faces that go with the names. I know their wives and their kids.  I know who will hold his hand and pray with him if he needs that. I know they want to make it home just as badly as he does, and will do everything in their power to make sure they all stay safe. It really is a brotherhood. Part of it is that I've heard enough stories, and seen enough footage that I've been a bit desensitized to it all. 

But more than any of that, this is what makes the difference: the growth of my faith in God alone. 

Being a Law Enforcement Officer's Wife isn't an easy job. The wife behind the badge. But it's driven me right to where I need to be, in the arms of my Creator. 

 

I don't pray for God to keep him safe anymore. I want him to be safe, always. But, my will is not God's will. God has called him to be a hero, and that comes with a price, sometimes the heftiest price. God is in charge of that, just like He's in charge of everything else. 

I've changed my prayer, and I can't foresee a time when I will stop praying the very same prayer I prayed today. "Lord, be with him every breath and every step." God knows I don't want him to go. I'm not ready for that. But I know that has zero bearing on when God calls him home. So, my hope for him today, and every day is that God would be right there with him. Lord, bless him. Lord, protect him. Lord, guide him. Lord, keep his focus sharp. I could go on and on, but God knows exactly what Snuggs needs far better than I do. So, I keep it simple. I keep it real. 

"Lord, be with him every breath and every step."

And that is enough. It has to be enough.  In Christ, alone, my hope is found. 

Loving and Look Outing

"Be kind and loving," is a phrase my kids hear ten thousand times a day. It's a constant reminder when patience runs short, siblings interfere, and selfishness rears it's ugly head. They aren't quite old enough to be annoyed by my repetition, but I know that's coming all too soon. 

"Love her and look out for her," is just a more specific version of the first message. "God's given you two jobs regarding your sister; love her and look out for her." She hears the same thing in regards to her brother. Being a sibling can be rough at times, I remember all too well! Cricket is never hesitant to tell me that he doesn't WANT to love her and look out for her for whatever reason, but he knows that it doesn't matter one bit if he wants to or not. He knows that is the expectation, the responsibility given to him by God.

We talk constantly about what that means, how to do it, and what to do when he has failed. 

"Which is more important, your sister or your Legos?" 

"My hands are busy right now and I hear Buttercup crying, why don't you go see if you can help her?" 

"She is upset because of ___, what can we do to make that easier for her?"

"Are you listening and respecting her words?"

And all the same in opposite genders for her ears. 

I love my job, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but when the 19th round of "Which is more important, your sister or your (insert object they are currently battling over)," is occurring before 10am, it's easy to throw in the towel.  This job is a lot like a scratched up cd. Right in the middle of your favorite song it skips over and over, repeating the same three words 26 times, and then, just when you are ready to give up and skip to the next track, miraculously and without explanation, it continues on to the rest of the song, and you dance and sing along as though you weren't seconds from pulling out your hair. 

3 and a half years of the "kind and loving" schpeal, nearly two years of the "love her and look out for her" stuff, and finally, finally I saw fruit! That sweet, luscious fruit that hangs so heavy on the branch. 

They were playing together under our kitchen table.  I needed to vacuum, and told them that if they had a problem they needed to physically come to me, because I wouldn't be able to hear their words over the vacuum. 

I went about my task, and was nearing completion when I needed to stop to relocate the cord. I could see what they were doing, but I heard him say, "Uh oh, you better go ask Momma for help...wait, maybe I can help you." 

And I held my breath and tiptoed around the corner to peek. He reassembled the object she was working with, looked right up at me, and said, "Momma, that's loving and look outing for her, right?" 

So simple. One tiny little sentence. And I could've just shouted from the roof tops! "YES!!! You DO get it! You understand! GOD IS IN YOUR HEART!" I could've kissed him and cheered and tossed him in the sky, I was so happy. 

"Yeah, Buddy, that's loving her and looking out for her. God's heart is so happy when you do that! You did a great job." 

So, instead of bursting at my seams then, I just keep letting it leak out a few tears at a time whenever I reflect on that moment! 

God is so good. This work he has set before us as mothers is hard because it matters. It matters so very much. Keep on fighting the good fight, mommas. Keep teaching, and leading, and correcting, and guiding, and praying, and repeating it ten thousand times a day, because when they finally bear the fruit that glorifies their maker, your heart will just sing with joy!